If I only knew what I wanted out of life, it would be so much easier.
Sometimes I think I am mostly looking for change, variety and novelty.
Other times, I think I look for change because I am looking for something.
And that once I have found it, I won't look for change anymore.
Instead, I would look for ways to keep things the same.

It seems that many other people have found that place or thing or time
Where they would rather keep things the same, or at least not too much different.
I am the exact opposite. When I feel that I am in a rut, I look to change everything.
Everything. Anything. The exact opposite. Change everything.
Do anything to get out of the rut, move, run, hide, chase, live, die, just change.

There have been long periods of time when I do try to keep things the same.
When I have a clear goal in mind, and I know it will take years to achieve.
I don't want distractions to obstruct me from reaching my goal. Sometimes
That goal is part of the change. The change is to reach that goal. And then the
Question is always Now What? And the answer is usually: Time for a change.

There have been times, more frequent now than before, when I would dream
Of a time when I wouldn't want to change. When I would want things to stay the same.
The dream I have is more clear now than ever. It involves living in a home in the country.
With a long wooded road leading to our home. A warm glow flickering in the window

There is a place
With things in it.
I am one among them.

New Beginnings

So lately I've been trying to be more social, connect with my old friends, make new friends, etc. Last weekend, I actually emailed Young whom I hadn't seen in over a year. He called me back right away and we ended up having dinner together in K-town with another co-worked of his. It was fun. We had too much too drink. I actually threw up when I got home. The next morning is when Kazumi called me but I didn't answer.

I also emailed Dipika and Akira, who I thought were still in Seattle. It turns out they moved back to North Carolina so they could be closer to family. Now that they have a son I guess it helps to be close to extended family. Anyway, they invited me to visit them in NC, which I might do sometime. I haven't seen them in a while and have never met their son.

And then yesterday, I went out with 2 of my co-workers for drinks after work. Believe it or not, that was the first time we actually went out for drinks together. We have lunch together all the time, but this was more fun.

Today, I'm going to go pick up this Taiwanese girl whom I had met once before. It is pretty random, but we are going to get bao in the lower east side. Woohoo.

I have a date on Thursday also with a girl from NJ. We are going to Peasant in Soho.

Well, I think I saw Kazumi for the last time today. She texted me this afternoon saying that she wanted to pick up the baking pans that she had left at my place last year. It was very brief meeting. She was waiting at Duane Reade with some guy who introduced himself as John and who I assume is her new boyfriend. I gave her the pans, as well as a teapot and a container of tea that were also hers. She took them, stepped back and that was it. I think the guy said something like "See you later" which made no sense. We just went out separate ways.

It was kind of a surprise that she contacted me out of nowhere. She actually called me last Saturday also, but I didn't answer and she didn't leave me a message. This time she just texted me. Before that, I hadn't heard from her since January when she wrote me a long email telling me that she was in Japan and missed me. Oh well.