Kazumi never listened to my advice, except maybe when our relationship started and I told her not to take all of the sleeping pills she was taking. Whenever I tried to give her advice, she would say that I was trying to control her, tell her what to do, not being compassionate, etc. So I stopped giving advice. To be honest, the advice that I did give her was not that great. It was fairly superficial, and filled with a lot of psycho-babble. I remember trying to tell her how to handle her stress better and saying that she should just step back, breathe deeply and consider her options. That might work for daily stress issues, but I think Kazumi's underlying issue was that relatively minor stress issues would trigger a severe anxiety response that reminded her of losing her father as a child. I tried a few times to discuss this with her, and we broached the topic during our couples counseling, but we never really had a heart-to-heart talk about it. So I'm just going to say now.

I understand how pedantic my advice must have seemed to her. "Just consider your options." Well, how many options are available for a 10 year old girl who has lost her father? One. Acceptance. There was nothing she could do to bring her father back. I remember how awful it was to think about losing my parents even though they weren't even sick. I was kind a strange kid in that I forced myself to think about things like that... I remember one particular time when my father stayed home with me because I was sick, but then he decided to go to work and leave me home by myself. I remember crying so hard, seeing my father leave, even though I was fully aware that he was coming back in a few hours, I just wanted to spend more time with my dad. But to consider that your dad might not come home, and then to have it happen is unthinkable for a 10 year old daughter. And from everything that I know, Kazumi's father was very much actively involved in her life. He was not a distant, aloof, father who worked 12 hours a day. He was one who enjoyed life, lived life, and loved his family. I'm sure he was Kazumi's hero. And to lose a loving father at such a tender age is something I can't really imagine. Though she never talked about it, I think Kazumi must have gone through some pretty severe separation anxiety issues. It may have been the most formative negative period of her life - the period that she goes back to when she has negative thoughts, when she expects the worst, when she feels that she has no control over her life. I think that is the state of mind she is in when we break up; When I didn't show up at the airport, for example, she was thinking maybe of the time that her father didn't come home from the hospital. She knew we broke up 3 weeks prior. She knew her father had cancer. But the final moment of absolute certainty hadn't come yet in her mind. She needed a moment to being the acceptance. And acceptance doesn't come at once. It comes in bits and pieces. And even when acceptance is complete, the pain doesn't end. Accepting that your father is not coming back does not relieve the pain. It drags on over the years. It becomes submerged, hardened, black like charcoal. And like charcoal, it has the potential to be transformed. It can be ignited into a hot flame, then reduced to gray ashes. Or it can be compressed under great pressure into a jewel. It is a remarkable thing - emotion. I don't know if there is a way to quantify it, but I suspect that emotion is as much a physical entity as mass or energy. It can be manifest in myriad forms. It can be transformed or transmitted. It is always there, always has been and always will be. The total amount in the universe is constant. Some have more than others. Kazumi has more than most. In a sense, her pain is a gift.

Lumi punched me in the eye. I think she scratched it. I may have to go to the doctor...

Happy Birthday to me!

Things have calmed down considerably since the beginning of the month. Where I left off on my last post wasn't the end of the story though. After that night on the LIC corner with Alessia holding Kazumi back while I walked away, Kazumi actually came back to my apartment the following day. I was out shopping and came home to see her crouching and putting her ear to my door to hear if I was home. I turned the other way and ducked in the laundry room, but she saw me and trapped me. At this point, I was exhausted of running away from her, so I just opened the door to my apartment and she wedged her way in again. I wouldn't let her come all the way inside, so she sat in the hallway with the door open and we just talked. We went over what we had gone over hundreds of times again. I explained why I didn't think our relationship worked and why I was giving up. She seemed to be in a better mental position and handled it better without becoming extremely depressed or angry. She said that she was going back to Alessia and Jon's place that night. She asked me to walk her to the subway, so I did. We walked around to various subway stations, and I was getting worried that she would refuse to leave again, but in the end, she did leave on her own. I could tell that she was already getting better. She was developing a better perspective on our relationship. But she made me promise that I would see her in a week. It was a Thursday, and I said I would talk to her on the phone next Thursday if she agreed not to contact me that entire week. And then we could discuss the possibility of meeting in the future. But we had to have absolutely no contact by phone, email or in person for 1 week. She agreed to that. The next day she called me and again wanted to know why I broke up with her. She called over and over before I answered. I was brutally honest again about why I was giving up on our relationship. She said that she was going to stay with Paul over the weekend. I didn't hear from her from several days. Then, on Sunday night around 11PM, I got a text from Alessia asking if I was with Kazumi. I said that I hadn't seen or heard from her in several days. Alessia said that Paul had texted her because he was trying to contact Kazumi and he couldn't reach her. Kazumi had apparently spent the weekend with Paul, and earlier that night she had said that if she killed herself then I would have to do the autopsy the next day. It sounded really scary. Then she stopped answering her phone. So Alessia and I discussed what to do. Though it sounded scary, I was actually pretty sure that Kazumi was ok. I thought that this was a test for Paul, with whom she has had a relationship with in the past. She wanted to see whether Paul really loved her. Alessia and I thought that we should call 911 regardless of whether she was just trying to manipulate Paul or really serious about taking her life. She had to know that we wouldn't play guessing games with her life. If she expresses suicidal intent, it will be taken seriously. At the least, someone had to go to her apartment and check on her. Well, Paul, to his credit, came to LIC from Manhattan and tried to check on Kazumi, but the front desk wouldn't let him up. So he called 911 and they were ready to break down her apartment door when Kazumi walked into the building. She was fine, but EMS were already there and since she had expressed suicidal intent, they brought her to Elmhurst Hospital where she stayed overnight. I don't know if Paul went with her, but she called me from the ambulance twice and she had the EMT call me also. I didn't answer. That night and the following day, she called me from the hospital but I didn't answer. I knew that she had other people she could call for help this time - Alessia, Paul, her mom... She left messages explaining what had happened, not knowing that I had been in contact with Alessia all night. But it was better if she didn't know I was involved at all. So I ignored all her calls. I was a little worried because she was still calling me from the hospital on Monday morning, when she was supposed to be at work. That meant that she didn't go to work. I was worried that she would lose her job if she kept missing work over this. But that night, she actually called me from her work number. I didn't answer, but I knew it was the lord and taylor number because I googled it. I felt better because I knew that she was thinking about her job and career. She had worked so hard to build her career, that I would have hated to see it ruined at this point. She called and e-mailed me a few times during the next few days, but I didn't answer. Then eventually she stopped. She hasn't called, emailed, texted or stalked me in the past week. I think she is finally getting on with her life and I am glad she is.

It's been a hell of a few weeks. To recap, I broke up with Kazumi in September. That phone call from Kazumi, led to a meeting, then couples counseling and then getting back together for a short period of time. We both really tried to make it work. I tried to be more supportive of her, I tried to be more sensitive about her abandonment issues which started with her losing her father at a young age, and she tried to work with me on my trust issues and the fact that I can't handle much emotional instability in my life. We both tried really hard, and that is what our counselor kept emphasizing to us. She was always so impressed that we were going to couples therapy even though we weren't married, and that we were showing that we cared for each other. I really do believe that we tried everything to make our relationship work - both of us - but it just didn't work. I have always been quick to abandon people, and whenever Kazumi acted out, I would leave her. Well, this time she held it in (mostly) and I didn't abandon her (till the end). Whenever we fought, I would say to her that I am not leaving her. She tried very hard not to fight. But in the end, it just caused resentment to build between us. I felt that she was avoiding me and unhappy with me. She kept denying it. She kept saying that she was just busy with work, and stressed out about her roommate, her health and other issues. Finally, one day in November, she let out her anger at me and told me that she hated me. She hated me because she felt that I was forcing her to hold in her emotions, she hated me because she thought I was trying to control her, she hated me because I never listened to her, she hated me because I always criticized her. I didn't think most of that was true, but I believed that she really felt that way. What bothered me the most is that she was very clear that she hated me ever since we got back together. It wasn't that she hated me at that moment. But she hated me for the last several months. And she admitted that was why she was avoiding me. She said that she didn't want to spend time with me because she hated me. It really hurt my feelings to hear that especially since I felt that I had been trying hard to make our relationship work through couples therapy, being supportive, listening, not criticizing her by giving her strongly worded advice, etc., but all that effort just had the effect of making her hate me even more. Prior to this break-up we had bought tickets for a vacation to iceland and I also agreed to pick her up from the gastroenterologist after an endoscopy exam to rule out a gastric ulcer. I told her that I probably wasn't going to go to Iceland, but that I would pick her up from the gastroenterologist if she really had no one else to pick her up. I actually ended up meeting her there before the endoscopy and after the endoscopy, Kazumi began crying uncontrollably in the doctor's office. I spent about an hour with her, while she slept it off and she seemed to be much better afterwards. I took her home, we ate dinner together and then I said that she couldn't stay with me that night because we were broken up. She refused to leave me alone and insisted that she come into my apartment with me. I let her in and we talked and then argued for hours. Eventually, I asked her to leave my apartment and she refused to leave. I threatened to call security to escort her out but she wouldn't leave. Finally, I just had to put her stuff outside the door. At first, she wouldn't get it, but when I closed the door she started to get worried that someone would take her stuff so she went outside to retrieve it. Then I tried to close the door on her, but she pushed back and wedged herself in the doorway. I had to physically push her out. It was the most physical I have ever had to get with anybody. She finally left and then she texted me later that night that she went out with friends until 4 AM and had the best time she had had in months. I was really glad that she was moving on. I didn't hear from her until several days later when I got a phone call from the Bellevue ER. A nurse was calling me because Kazumi was in the ER and she wanted me to pick her up. It was in the middle of the workday, but I told my supervisor what was going on and that I was leaving early to go to Bellevue. At Bellevue, Kazumi was lying in a hospital bed with a sad look on her face. She said that she had gone to work that morning and felt strange, maybe having a panic attack, and then took a cab to the Bellevue ER. I didn't learn until later that she also had taken some pills that she shouldn't have taken and that she thought she was having some kind of reaction. I stayed with her at the ER and tried to call her psychiatrist for her, but couldn't reach him. Kazumi was in the medical ER when I arrived, and after about a half hour they told her that she was medically cleared to leave, but that she should go to the Psych ER down the hall. So I walked with her over to the Psych ER at Bellevue which is a scary place. She spoke with a psychiatrist in the triage room while I waited outside and when she came out, she seemed much calmer. We walked out, had Japanese food in midtown, and then took the subway back home. She didn't want to be alone so I said she could stay with me for 1 night only. She stayed over and the next day I had to go to work. I spoke with her the next day and explained that our relationship was over and that she should probably try to find support with her friends. She seemed to understand and accept it. This was not a few days before Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving morning, I told her that I was going home for Thanksgiving, and asked if she had anywhere to go. She said that she had no where to go. I felt sorry for her and actually cooked a mini Thanksgiving dinner for us to have together on Thanksgiving before I had to go home. I texted her a photo and invited her over, but she didn't reply. She was with her friend Dave and his girlfriend at the time, so she wasn't alone. I didn't hear from her until the next weekend, when she called me on the phone asking whether I would still go to Iceland. I said that I was not going with her. If I did go, we would have to go separately somehow. I didn't hear from her for another week. Then she called me from the airport. She was frantic and mad at me for not showing up. She told the front gate that I was going to show up and when I didn't she panicked and wanted to get off the plane. I could hear the commotion in the background as the flight attendants were trying to figure out whether to unload her baggage, wait for me, or what. Eventually they made her get off the plane. I couldn't understand why she was so sure I was going to be at the airport. I later learned that she had planned to go by herself and then changed her mind when she got there. Anyway, after she got off the plane, she took a cab to LIC. I wouldn't see her. She started screaming at the top of her lungs in the stairwell for about 10 minutes. I couldn't believe no one even came out to check on her. She said she was having a panic attack and was going to die unless I came out to see her. She threatened to jump in the river. I finally came out to see her and let her into my apartment. She was delusional and kept saying that we were still going to Iceland and that we hadn't broken up. She started to pack my bags for me. This went on for hours and hours until 4 AM. Eventually I said that she had to leave and that I would call security if she didn't. This time I wasn't going to physically push her out. I went to the front desk and asked if someone could escort her out since she doesn't live in the building. The front desk said that they didn't have enough people, but if I waited a few hours until 7 there would be someone to escort her out. I came back to the apartment and told her that someone was coming at 7 AM to escort her out, or she could leave now. Then she became really despondent all of a sudden and said that if I wanted her to leave she would just "off" herself. It was such a strange word for her to use, because she doesn't normally use slang like that. Then she ran to my window and started opening it as though she was going to try to jump out. She finally calmed down and I told her that I was extremely worried because she said she was going to off herself and asked her if she wanted me to call 911. Surprisingly she said yes. I asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital and she said yes. It was a very dramatic moment. She had suddenly calmed down and was really asking for help. I called 911 and told them what happened and they sent a police car and an ambulance to my apartment. They took her to the Cornell Psychiatric ER, where they evaluated her and kept her overnight. I stayed with her until about 9AM. I wasn't sure it was a good idea for me to be her support, since she was suicidal over our break-up. The psychiatrist at Cornell told me that I had to find a balance between making her take responsibility for her own life and not abandoning her. So at 9AM I said that I had to go home, but that I would come back if the doctor's wanted me to. She was inside the protected area at this time and she started shaking and screaming out my name through the window. I was heartbroken. The nurse told me to just leave. So I did. As soon as I turned around I started crying, but I kept walking. The nurse was telling me that they would call me later, but I just kept walking because I didn't want her or Kazumi to see me crying. I couldn't stop. I cried all the way home, on the subway, in public. I got home and wrote Alessia an email because she was Kazumi's best friend and I knew she would be there for her. I didn't want Kazumi to be alone in the ER. Alessia called me back 2 seconds after I sent her the e-mail and I told her the story. She could tell I was upset. Alessia said she would call the ER and visit Kazumi and make sure she is ok. She did go there and brought her food and books to read. I felt much better that she had someone to rely on. I knew I had to stay away from Kazumi if she was to get better, but I didn't want to abandon her either. The next day, I texted Alessia to see if Kazumi had gotten out of the hospital. She said that Kazumi was ok and that I should not contact her. I agreed. The next day I brought my car to the dealership (I had actually gotten into a car accident on the morning of the day that I brought Kazumi to the Cornell ER, but that was the least important thing to happen that weekend), and on the way home, Kazumi started calling me continuously again, hundreds of times, filling my voicemail with hateful messages. I ignored all of them. Then she actually called me from a public phone, so I didn't know it was her, and answered the phone. I thought it might be my insurance company calling about the accident. I spoke with her and she was surprisingly calm. She was not mad at all. She said she wanted to meet me, but I said no. She said that she was waiting for me in front of my building. I walked home thinking about how I could get into my apartment without seeing her, but just as I was walking down my building's block, I saw her walking out. I didn't think she saw me so I ran back and hid behind a truck. I didn't know which way she was going to walk. I peeked out to check and she saw me. She ran up to me and hugged me. She was surprisingly calm. She said that she was staying with her friend Paul, whom we had fought about in the past because of my jealousy, but now I was totally ok with it. As long as she had someone to support her, that was the most important thing. We went to dinner at TukTuk and actually had a very pleasant conversation, even joking at times. At the end of the dinner, she said she had to go home to pick up some stuff and then she was going back to Paul's place. We hugged and she actually left. She didn't resist, hang on to me, act out or anything, like she usually does when we separate. She did whisper in my ear that she loved me, but I pretended I didn't hear. I just walked away. The next day, Kazumi started calling me continuously again. She even went to my workplace and waited outside for me. Then when she realized that I was already home, she came to my apartment building and waited outside for me. She begged me to meet her. Since she seemed to be doing better and that we had parted the day before on good terms and without difficulty, I agreed to meet her if she made plans to stay somehwere for the night. I was a little worried because she said she had taken her luggage from Paul's place and she said that all of her friends had abandoned her. I know that Kazumi is difficult to deal with and that she is not always grateful for the help that she gets from friends so she may have pushed away her support network. I was pretty sure that Alessia would support her though, so I said that I would meet with her only if she called Alessia and made plans to stay with her that night. If she couldn't stay with Alessia, then she should call Paul or someone else to make plans. I wouldn't meet with her if she didn't have somewhere to go at the end of the night. She said she would call Alessia and call me back. So we hung up and a few minutes later she called back and said that she spoke with Alessia and would stay there. I met her and we walked around Astoria for hours. She seemed to be doing very good again. She showed me the buildings she used to live in around Astoria and told me stories about her ex-husband that I hadn't heard before. The entire time, she understood that we were broken up. We went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner, but then towards the end, she started to have a panic attack. She started to shake and started asking me why we couldn't be together. Then she wanted to walk around, so she practically bolted from the store. I didn't want to leave her alone because I didn't know what she would do so I followed her around. She was walking really fast, but at times she would stop and laugh or smile. It was strange. Then I asked her what time she was going to go to Alessia's place and she said that she actually never spoke with Alessia. I was a little mad and said that I would text Alessia for her then. I texted Alessia and asked if Kazumi could stay with her. Alessia texted back that Kazumi could stay with her, but that she wasn't home yet. I texted back to say thanks and that we would go back to LIC so Kazumi could get the medications that she forgot. So we walked back to LIC and just as we got to her building Alessia called. At first, Kazumi wouldn't talk to her, but then she finally agreed. Alessia was going to come to LIC and take Kazumi back home with her. I went with Kazumi back to her apartment and she picked up her meds, toothbrush and teddy tiger. We went to the park and she took half a clonazepam and seemed to calm down immediately. We went back inside the building because it was cold and then came out to meet Alessia. As soon as Alessia got to us, she put headphones on Kazumi's head and I explained what was going on. Alessia said that she was going to help Kazumi get over me no matter what and not allow her to contact me. I promised that I wouldn't contact her again. If I did, I said Alessia could hit me in the head. Kazumi started to freak out a little bit and I agreed to walk them to the corner. At the corner, I started to walk away toward me building and Kazumi freaked out again. She started screaming out my name. Alessia held her tightly and told me to just go. I walked away from her again, just like in the ER, while she screamed my name, but this time it was easier, because I knew Kazumi was with a good friend and she wasn't going to be alone and afraid. That was the last time I will ever see her. It is sad, but it is the only way she can get healthy and stay healthy. It really worried me how hurt she was this time when we broke up and there is no way in hell that I would put her or myself or her friends through that again. We tried multiple times to make it work, and it didn't. We even went to couples therapy. The entire time I was never able to say that I loved her. Kazumi said she loved me many many times, but I was never able to say it back, because that is how I am - a distant, lonely, sad, depressed, sick bastard. Kazumi deserves so much better than me.