The beginning was nothing special. I searched my own zip code on match.com and came up with a handful of results. I scanned the photos as I usually do, and my eyes stopped on a photo of a pale, almost ghostly white, asian girl sitting on a cushion in a clothing store with her legs crossed, dangling in the air. Her head was tilted to the side and she wore a coquettish smile. It was an intriguing photo, but not necessarily one I was immediately attracted to. I read the first line: “I am unique.” Hmm, that reveals a little without saying much. But there’s also a tinge of self-importance that is unusual for an Asian girl. Her profile continued in slightly broken English. She was Japanese and had come to the US for college. She was a fashion designer. She was divorced. Then there was something peculiar: “I am ant with grasshopper mentality.” I had no idea what that meant, but it cracked me up. It was clear she had something specific in mind but I hadn’t the foggiest notion what. So I sent her an e-mail asking her what she meant. I also introduced myself and bragged that I had spent some time in Japan. It took her a few days to reply, and I don’t think there was any reference to grasshoppers or ants. Somehow, we got to e-mailing each other formal and boring messages and finally arranged to meet for dinner. She sent me a list of local restaurants and I chose one.

I showed up about 10 minutes early, feeling nervous and not the slightest bit hungry. It was a chilly October night, and I remember waiting outside the little French bistro, Tournesol, trying to stay warm and not look too lonely while I waited. Waiting alone in public is my least favorite thing to do. I walked back and forth as though I was going somewhere so as not be conspicuous. Just as I was about ready to walk away, a little Japanese business woman walked up to me and shook my hand. Nice to meet you, I’m Kazumi. I introduced myself and we went in and ordered wine and food. She was much cuter than her photo. But there were no instantaneous sparks. Our first date was more like a job interview. I had a pork chop and I don’t recall what she had. I learned that she dated mostly musicians and artists. I talked about my job. We couldn’t be more different. But isn’t that what I wanted? Different but same, same but different. I walked her the 2 blocks to her home. I said that I was glad to have met someone in the same neighborhood and that I would like to see her again. She agreed. We exchanged phone numbers and hugged. I walked the 1 block to my home.

A few days later, I emailed her about going out on a second date, maybe taking a day trip somewhere. I don’t think she replied. A few nights later, I received a text message on my phone. “I’m in Gantry State Park.” It was about 9PM on a cold night so I thought that was a bit odd. Also, I wasn’t sure whether there was an invitation. I waited a few minutes and then texted her back, “Are you cold?” She said she had gone home already. I asked if she was ok. No reply. Then I called her on the phone. She sounded hurt. I asked her if she was ok. She asked if she could come over for a hug. I said, “Right now? Are you serious?”. She didn’t say anything. She was serious. I said, “Ok, you can come over.”. She came over. We hugged in the doorway. I made tea and she sat down at one end of my uncomfortable couch. I sat on the other end. I don’t remember what we talked about, but eventually we moved to the center of the couch and she curled up in my lap. And I hugged her until she felt better. I felt a little embarrassed but also sorry for her. I told her she could come back anytime for a hug. She left.

A few days later, she came back over for some more tea. This time we just talked. She told me what was bothering her. She had just broken up with her boyfriend. I thought she would say she had been with him for years. But she said she was with him for only 2 months. But since breaking up she hasn’t been able to sleep. I talked her through it the best I could. She said she was having panic attacks. She worried me when she said she had been taking Tylenol PM along with Ambien to help her sleep. I revealed a little about myself along the way. My talking didn’t seem to help much. But the tea seemed to calm her. And she liked playing with my kitten.

A few days later, I invited her on a day trip. I took her to City Island, getting lost on the way there. We parked on the street and walked to the water’s edge, but there was a concrete wall and a fence with a “Private Property” sign. I panicked a little bit because I didn’t know what else we would do. We walked a little further and found a wooden bench near a pier, where we sat and talked for a few minutes until it became too windy. We walked back to the car and I took her to a little seafood shack at the end of the island where my parents had taken me when I was a kid. When I had gone there as a kid, it was packed with people, seagulls and sunshine. This time it was empty, but there were a few seagulls outside. It was cloudy outside, but it felt right. We ordered a plate of fried oysters with french fries. At this point, I started to panic a little again. Now what? Did we really come all the way to City Island to have fried oysters? I asked her if she would like to go to the Bronx Zoo. Surprisingly she said yes, so off we went. When we got there she laughed and said, “Who goes to the zoo on a second date?” I hadn’t been to the zoo since I was child. There were very few people there. And it started to rain a little. We walked and talked. I took a photo of her with a tiger, and then a polar bear in the background. We saw playful sea otters and smelly monkeys. Then it was time to go home, except we were lost. We checked a map and walked a half-mile through a parking lot back to the car. We drove home. It was a somber date, but it felt about right to me.

A few days later, while I was studying for the LSAT, she texted me. “I want to go to the beach.”. I said ok. It was about 8PM. She met me at home. We walked to the car. She said it feels like we’re in “L.A.” I totally agreed. We drove down the BQE to Bayridge, then past Coney Island on the Shore Parkway then to Rockaway Beach and then Long Beach. We parked the car and walked along the boardwalk. We were the only people there. We sat on a wooden bench and talked. She told me about her father. We went down to the sand and up to the ocean. She screamed because she thought she saw a jellyfish, but it was just foam. As we were walking back she asked me, “Do you smoke pot?”. I said, “No, I’m a prude.” We had dinner at a surprisingly crowded and rowdy BBQ place on Long Beach and then drove home.

Soon after we slept together. I said she could just sleep over and we wouldn’t have sex, but we did, or at least we tried. She was my second sexual partner ever. I was nervous and not very good. She seemed to understand, but then she became frustrated. I became frustrated. It was embarrassing for me and difficult for her. But she said she would stay with me. We fought about it. I felt that she was comparing me to her previous boyfriend and I wasn’t measuring up. She also seemed to still be attached somewhere else because she would get extremely angry for no apparent reason. I gave up. She apologized. We had sex. I was distracted and watching TV while I was in her. She got mad. I apologized. I took the LSAT and cancelled. I was mad. We fought. She apologized. I felt bad. I apologized. She stayed over. I snored. She woke me up. I got annoyed and couldn’t sleep. We fought again. I said she should go home. She got mad and yelled at my cat. I got mad. She apologized.

When we weren’t fighting we were eating. I gained 10 pounds in 3 months. I made steamed Chinese buns for her at home and she was happy. We made plans to go to a steakhouse, but ended up buying steaks at the supermarket and cooking them at home. They were very rare, but she said she didn’t mind. We went to Duane Reade and bought instant ramen and she was happy. She made pork-belly stew for me and I was happy. She made chicken soup for me when I was sick and I felt better. We went to Koreatown and had oxtail soup. We went to the Lower East Side and had cupcakes. We went to Chinatown and had dimsum. I took her to Applebee’s because that’s what I thought she liked, but actually she didn’t want to go there. We watched a movie, “Waltz with Bashir” and hung out at Whole Foods for hours like a couple of high school kids. We had zuruzuru sushi. She went to the bathroom and ran out embarrassed because she had accidentally walked into an occupied stall. We went to Sunset Park and had Vietnamese soup. We went to Ikea and had meatballs. We went to Flushing and had Taiwanese crullers with warm soy milk, and dumplings. She made fun of me because I ordered so many dumplings. We went to Nolita and had tacos. We went to Mitsuwa in New Jersey and had ramen. She bought Osechi for New Years. I dragged her to Woodbury so I could buy ski clothing, but ended up buying wine glasses instead. We went to a super Walmart where I bought cheddar cheese, white bread, and condoms. I ate a cheese sandwich with white bread on the way home because I was starving.

Without realizing it we stopped fighting at some point. The sex got better. I loved the feeling of her body around mine. I loved that she said, “Let’s have slow sex.” I loved that she was so sensitive in certain places. One time, I said “Oh my God!” when I came without even realizing it and she thought it was cute. She asked me to cut her gray hairs. I did. She asked me to cut some more. I did. We saved the gray hairs in an envelope. It was endearing. Then on New Year’s Eve, we had another fight. I don’t know what happened. She seemed distracted. We fought about something stupid. It was really stupid and I didn’t understand what she was mad about. I was stubborn. I was also tired. She seemed like she wanted to go out. I told her she could go out, but I was staying home. She checked her phone and said she was going out. She came back a few hours later and said she didn’t go out. We slept together. In the morning, she fed me Osechi. I was mad, but I didn’t want to ruin her New Year’s Day, so I tried my best not to fight. We didn’t fight, but I became distant.

I became more distant over the next few days. I guess I got scared when things were going well and then we fought on New Year’s Eve. It hurts more to fight after things are going well. When we were always fighting, it didn’t bother me much because I assumed it would just end anyway. But when things were going well and then we fought, it bothered me, because it felt like I was losing something. Each time we fought I lost a little bit of commitment to the relationship, but the last time we fought on New Years, I lost a lot of commitment. I said I wanted to meet other people. I said I wanted to take a break from the relationship. She said she didn’t want to do that. I felt bad, but I also felt distant. I said I was going to go on a date soon, and then another one after that. She couldn’t stop me. We were really breaking up. But we had already broken up so many times in my mind. Each time we fought, I broke up with her a little bit, but I don’t think she understood that was happening. But this time, she understood.

I think I made a mistake. I’ve been making a lot of mistakes lately, but I guess we have to live with them and move on.