It's been a hell of a few weeks. To recap, I broke up with Kazumi in September. That phone call from Kazumi, led to a meeting, then couples counseling and then getting back together for a short period of time. We both really tried to make it work. I tried to be more supportive of her, I tried to be more sensitive about her abandonment issues which started with her losing her father at a young age, and she tried to work with me on my trust issues and the fact that I can't handle much emotional instability in my life. We both tried really hard, and that is what our counselor kept emphasizing to us. She was always so impressed that we were going to couples therapy even though we weren't married, and that we were showing that we cared for each other. I really do believe that we tried everything to make our relationship work - both of us - but it just didn't work. I have always been quick to abandon people, and whenever Kazumi acted out, I would leave her. Well, this time she held it in (mostly) and I didn't abandon her (till the end). Whenever we fought, I would say to her that I am not leaving her. She tried very hard not to fight. But in the end, it just caused resentment to build between us. I felt that she was avoiding me and unhappy with me. She kept denying it. She kept saying that she was just busy with work, and stressed out about her roommate, her health and other issues. Finally, one day in November, she let out her anger at me and told me that she hated me. She hated me because she felt that I was forcing her to hold in her emotions, she hated me because she thought I was trying to control her, she hated me because I never listened to her, she hated me because I always criticized her. I didn't think most of that was true, but I believed that she really felt that way. What bothered me the most is that she was very clear that she hated me ever since we got back together. It wasn't that she hated me at that moment. But she hated me for the last several months. And she admitted that was why she was avoiding me. She said that she didn't want to spend time with me because she hated me. It really hurt my feelings to hear that especially since I felt that I had been trying hard to make our relationship work through couples therapy, being supportive, listening, not criticizing her by giving her strongly worded advice, etc., but all that effort just had the effect of making her hate me even more. Prior to this break-up we had bought tickets for a vacation to iceland and I also agreed to pick her up from the gastroenterologist after an endoscopy exam to rule out a gastric ulcer. I told her that I probably wasn't going to go to Iceland, but that I would pick her up from the gastroenterologist if she really had no one else to pick her up. I actually ended up meeting her there before the endoscopy and after the endoscopy, Kazumi began crying uncontrollably in the doctor's office. I spent about an hour with her, while she slept it off and she seemed to be much better afterwards. I took her home, we ate dinner together and then I said that she couldn't stay with me that night because we were broken up. She refused to leave me alone and insisted that she come into my apartment with me. I let her in and we talked and then argued for hours. Eventually, I asked her to leave my apartment and she refused to leave. I threatened to call security to escort her out but she wouldn't leave. Finally, I just had to put her stuff outside the door. At first, she wouldn't get it, but when I closed the door she started to get worried that someone would take her stuff so she went outside to retrieve it. Then I tried to close the door on her, but she pushed back and wedged herself in the doorway. I had to physically push her out. It was the most physical I have ever had to get with anybody. She finally left and then she texted me later that night that she went out with friends until 4 AM and had the best time she had had in months. I was really glad that she was moving on. I didn't hear from her until several days later when I got a phone call from the Bellevue ER. A nurse was calling me because Kazumi was in the ER and she wanted me to pick her up. It was in the middle of the workday, but I told my supervisor what was going on and that I was leaving early to go to Bellevue. At Bellevue, Kazumi was lying in a hospital bed with a sad look on her face. She said that she had gone to work that morning and felt strange, maybe having a panic attack, and then took a cab to the Bellevue ER. I didn't learn until later that she also had taken some pills that she shouldn't have taken and that she thought she was having some kind of reaction. I stayed with her at the ER and tried to call her psychiatrist for her, but couldn't reach him. Kazumi was in the medical ER when I arrived, and after about a half hour they told her that she was medically cleared to leave, but that she should go to the Psych ER down the hall. So I walked with her over to the Psych ER at Bellevue which is a scary place. She spoke with a psychiatrist in the triage room while I waited outside and when she came out, she seemed much calmer. We walked out, had Japanese food in midtown, and then took the subway back home. She didn't want to be alone so I said she could stay with me for 1 night only. She stayed over and the next day I had to go to work. I spoke with her the next day and explained that our relationship was over and that she should probably try to find support with her friends. She seemed to understand and accept it. This was not a few days before Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving morning, I told her that I was going home for Thanksgiving, and asked if she had anywhere to go. She said that she had no where to go. I felt sorry for her and actually cooked a mini Thanksgiving dinner for us to have together on Thanksgiving before I had to go home. I texted her a photo and invited her over, but she didn't reply. She was with her friend Dave and his girlfriend at the time, so she wasn't alone. I didn't hear from her until the next weekend, when she called me on the phone asking whether I would still go to Iceland. I said that I was not going with her. If I did go, we would have to go separately somehow. I didn't hear from her for another week. Then she called me from the airport. She was frantic and mad at me for not showing up. She told the front gate that I was going to show up and when I didn't she panicked and wanted to get off the plane. I could hear the commotion in the background as the flight attendants were trying to figure out whether to unload her baggage, wait for me, or what. Eventually they made her get off the plane. I couldn't understand why she was so sure I was going to be at the airport. I later learned that she had planned to go by herself and then changed her mind when she got there. Anyway, after she got off the plane, she took a cab to LIC. I wouldn't see her. She started screaming at the top of her lungs in the stairwell for about 10 minutes. I couldn't believe no one even came out to check on her. She said she was having a panic attack and was going to die unless I came out to see her. She threatened to jump in the river. I finally came out to see her and let her into my apartment. She was delusional and kept saying that we were still going to Iceland and that we hadn't broken up. She started to pack my bags for me. This went on for hours and hours until 4 AM. Eventually I said that she had to leave and that I would call security if she didn't. This time I wasn't going to physically push her out. I went to the front desk and asked if someone could escort her out since she doesn't live in the building. The front desk said that they didn't have enough people, but if I waited a few hours until 7 there would be someone to escort her out. I came back to the apartment and told her that someone was coming at 7 AM to escort her out, or she could leave now. Then she became really despondent all of a sudden and said that if I wanted her to leave she would just "off" herself. It was such a strange word for her to use, because she doesn't normally use slang like that. Then she ran to my window and started opening it as though she was going to try to jump out. She finally calmed down and I told her that I was extremely worried because she said she was going to off herself and asked her if she wanted me to call 911. Surprisingly she said yes. I asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital and she said yes. It was a very dramatic moment. She had suddenly calmed down and was really asking for help. I called 911 and told them what happened and they sent a police car and an ambulance to my apartment. They took her to the Cornell Psychiatric ER, where they evaluated her and kept her overnight. I stayed with her until about 9AM. I wasn't sure it was a good idea for me to be her support, since she was suicidal over our break-up. The psychiatrist at Cornell told me that I had to find a balance between making her take responsibility for her own life and not abandoning her. So at 9AM I said that I had to go home, but that I would come back if the doctor's wanted me to. She was inside the protected area at this time and she started shaking and screaming out my name through the window. I was heartbroken. The nurse told me to just leave. So I did. As soon as I turned around I started crying, but I kept walking. The nurse was telling me that they would call me later, but I just kept walking because I didn't want her or Kazumi to see me crying. I couldn't stop. I cried all the way home, on the subway, in public. I got home and wrote Alessia an email because she was Kazumi's best friend and I knew she would be there for her. I didn't want Kazumi to be alone in the ER. Alessia called me back 2 seconds after I sent her the e-mail and I told her the story. She could tell I was upset. Alessia said she would call the ER and visit Kazumi and make sure she is ok. She did go there and brought her food and books to read. I felt much better that she had someone to rely on. I knew I had to stay away from Kazumi if she was to get better, but I didn't want to abandon her either. The next day, I texted Alessia to see if Kazumi had gotten out of the hospital. She said that Kazumi was ok and that I should not contact her. I agreed. The next day I brought my car to the dealership (I had actually gotten into a car accident on the morning of the day that I brought Kazumi to the Cornell ER, but that was the least important thing to happen that weekend), and on the way home, Kazumi started calling me continuously again, hundreds of times, filling my voicemail with hateful messages. I ignored all of them. Then she actually called me from a public phone, so I didn't know it was her, and answered the phone. I thought it might be my insurance company calling about the accident. I spoke with her and she was surprisingly calm. She was not mad at all. She said she wanted to meet me, but I said no. She said that she was waiting for me in front of my building. I walked home thinking about how I could get into my apartment without seeing her, but just as I was walking down my building's block, I saw her walking out. I didn't think she saw me so I ran back and hid behind a truck. I didn't know which way she was going to walk. I peeked out to check and she saw me. She ran up to me and hugged me. She was surprisingly calm. She said that she was staying with her friend Paul, whom we had fought about in the past because of my jealousy, but now I was totally ok with it. As long as she had someone to support her, that was the most important thing. We went to dinner at TukTuk and actually had a very pleasant conversation, even joking at times. At the end of the dinner, she said she had to go home to pick up some stuff and then she was going back to Paul's place. We hugged and she actually left. She didn't resist, hang on to me, act out or anything, like she usually does when we separate. She did whisper in my ear that she loved me, but I pretended I didn't hear. I just walked away. The next day, Kazumi started calling me continuously again. She even went to my workplace and waited outside for me. Then when she realized that I was already home, she came to my apartment building and waited outside for me. She begged me to meet her. Since she seemed to be doing better and that we had parted the day before on good terms and without difficulty, I agreed to meet her if she made plans to stay somehwere for the night. I was a little worried because she said she had taken her luggage from Paul's place and she said that all of her friends had abandoned her. I know that Kazumi is difficult to deal with and that she is not always grateful for the help that she gets from friends so she may have pushed away her support network. I was pretty sure that Alessia would support her though, so I said that I would meet with her only if she called Alessia and made plans to stay with her that night. If she couldn't stay with Alessia, then she should call Paul or someone else to make plans. I wouldn't meet with her if she didn't have somewhere to go at the end of the night. She said she would call Alessia and call me back. So we hung up and a few minutes later she called back and said that she spoke with Alessia and would stay there. I met her and we walked around Astoria for hours. She seemed to be doing very good again. She showed me the buildings she used to live in around Astoria and told me stories about her ex-husband that I hadn't heard before. The entire time, she understood that we were broken up. We went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner, but then towards the end, she started to have a panic attack. She started to shake and started asking me why we couldn't be together. Then she wanted to walk around, so she practically bolted from the store. I didn't want to leave her alone because I didn't know what she would do so I followed her around. She was walking really fast, but at times she would stop and laugh or smile. It was strange. Then I asked her what time she was going to go to Alessia's place and she said that she actually never spoke with Alessia. I was a little mad and said that I would text Alessia for her then. I texted Alessia and asked if Kazumi could stay with her. Alessia texted back that Kazumi could stay with her, but that she wasn't home yet. I texted back to say thanks and that we would go back to LIC so Kazumi could get the medications that she forgot. So we walked back to LIC and just as we got to her building Alessia called. At first, Kazumi wouldn't talk to her, but then she finally agreed. Alessia was going to come to LIC and take Kazumi back home with her. I went with Kazumi back to her apartment and she picked up her meds, toothbrush and teddy tiger. We went to the park and she took half a clonazepam and seemed to calm down immediately. We went back inside the building because it was cold and then came out to meet Alessia. As soon as Alessia got to us, she put headphones on Kazumi's head and I explained what was going on. Alessia said that she was going to help Kazumi get over me no matter what and not allow her to contact me. I promised that I wouldn't contact her again. If I did, I said Alessia could hit me in the head. Kazumi started to freak out a little bit and I agreed to walk them to the corner. At the corner, I started to walk away toward me building and Kazumi freaked out again. She started screaming out my name. Alessia held her tightly and told me to just go. I walked away from her again, just like in the ER, while she screamed my name, but this time it was easier, because I knew Kazumi was with a good friend and she wasn't going to be alone and afraid. That was the last time I will ever see her. It is sad, but it is the only way she can get healthy and stay healthy. It really worried me how hurt she was this time when we broke up and there is no way in hell that I would put her or myself or her friends through that again. We tried multiple times to make it work, and it didn't. We even went to couples therapy. The entire time I was never able to say that I loved her. Kazumi said she loved me many many times, but I was never able to say it back, because that is how I am - a distant, lonely, sad, depressed, sick bastard. Kazumi deserves so much better than me.