Kazumi never listened to my advice, except maybe when our relationship started and I told her not to take all of the sleeping pills she was taking. Whenever I tried to give her advice, she would say that I was trying to control her, tell her what to do, not being compassionate, etc. So I stopped giving advice. To be honest, the advice that I did give her was not that great. It was fairly superficial, and filled with a lot of psycho-babble. I remember trying to tell her how to handle her stress better and saying that she should just step back, breathe deeply and consider her options. That might work for daily stress issues, but I think Kazumi's underlying issue was that relatively minor stress issues would trigger a severe anxiety response that reminded her of losing her father as a child. I tried a few times to discuss this with her, and we broached the topic during our couples counseling, but we never really had a heart-to-heart talk about it. So I'm just going to say now.

I understand how pedantic my advice must have seemed to her. "Just consider your options." Well, how many options are available for a 10 year old girl who has lost her father? One. Acceptance. There was nothing she could do to bring her father back. I remember how awful it was to think about losing my parents even though they weren't even sick. I was kind a strange kid in that I forced myself to think about things like that... I remember one particular time when my father stayed home with me because I was sick, but then he decided to go to work and leave me home by myself. I remember crying so hard, seeing my father leave, even though I was fully aware that he was coming back in a few hours, I just wanted to spend more time with my dad. But to consider that your dad might not come home, and then to have it happen is unthinkable for a 10 year old daughter. And from everything that I know, Kazumi's father was very much actively involved in her life. He was not a distant, aloof, father who worked 12 hours a day. He was one who enjoyed life, lived life, and loved his family. I'm sure he was Kazumi's hero. And to lose a loving father at such a tender age is something I can't really imagine. Though she never talked about it, I think Kazumi must have gone through some pretty severe separation anxiety issues. It may have been the most formative negative period of her life - the period that she goes back to when she has negative thoughts, when she expects the worst, when she feels that she has no control over her life. I think that is the state of mind she is in when we break up; When I didn't show up at the airport, for example, she was thinking maybe of the time that her father didn't come home from the hospital. She knew we broke up 3 weeks prior. She knew her father had cancer. But the final moment of absolute certainty hadn't come yet in her mind. She needed a moment to being the acceptance. And acceptance doesn't come at once. It comes in bits and pieces. And even when acceptance is complete, the pain doesn't end. Accepting that your father is not coming back does not relieve the pain. It drags on over the years. It becomes submerged, hardened, black like charcoal. And like charcoal, it has the potential to be transformed. It can be ignited into a hot flame, then reduced to gray ashes. Or it can be compressed under great pressure into a jewel. It is a remarkable thing - emotion. I don't know if there is a way to quantify it, but I suspect that emotion is as much a physical entity as mass or energy. It can be manifest in myriad forms. It can be transformed or transmitted. It is always there, always has been and always will be. The total amount in the universe is constant. Some have more than others. Kazumi has more than most. In a sense, her pain is a gift.

Lumi punched me in the eye. I think she scratched it. I may have to go to the doctor...

Happy Birthday to me!

Things have calmed down considerably since the beginning of the month. Where I left off on my last post wasn't the end of the story though. After that night on the LIC corner with Alessia holding Kazumi back while I walked away, Kazumi actually came back to my apartment the following day. I was out shopping and came home to see her crouching and putting her ear to my door to hear if I was home. I turned the other way and ducked in the laundry room, but she saw me and trapped me. At this point, I was exhausted of running away from her, so I just opened the door to my apartment and she wedged her way in again. I wouldn't let her come all the way inside, so she sat in the hallway with the door open and we just talked. We went over what we had gone over hundreds of times again. I explained why I didn't think our relationship worked and why I was giving up. She seemed to be in a better mental position and handled it better without becoming extremely depressed or angry. She said that she was going back to Alessia and Jon's place that night. She asked me to walk her to the subway, so I did. We walked around to various subway stations, and I was getting worried that she would refuse to leave again, but in the end, she did leave on her own. I could tell that she was already getting better. She was developing a better perspective on our relationship. But she made me promise that I would see her in a week. It was a Thursday, and I said I would talk to her on the phone next Thursday if she agreed not to contact me that entire week. And then we could discuss the possibility of meeting in the future. But we had to have absolutely no contact by phone, email or in person for 1 week. She agreed to that. The next day she called me and again wanted to know why I broke up with her. She called over and over before I answered. I was brutally honest again about why I was giving up on our relationship. She said that she was going to stay with Paul over the weekend. I didn't hear from her from several days. Then, on Sunday night around 11PM, I got a text from Alessia asking if I was with Kazumi. I said that I hadn't seen or heard from her in several days. Alessia said that Paul had texted her because he was trying to contact Kazumi and he couldn't reach her. Kazumi had apparently spent the weekend with Paul, and earlier that night she had said that if she killed herself then I would have to do the autopsy the next day. It sounded really scary. Then she stopped answering her phone. So Alessia and I discussed what to do. Though it sounded scary, I was actually pretty sure that Kazumi was ok. I thought that this was a test for Paul, with whom she has had a relationship with in the past. She wanted to see whether Paul really loved her. Alessia and I thought that we should call 911 regardless of whether she was just trying to manipulate Paul or really serious about taking her life. She had to know that we wouldn't play guessing games with her life. If she expresses suicidal intent, it will be taken seriously. At the least, someone had to go to her apartment and check on her. Well, Paul, to his credit, came to LIC from Manhattan and tried to check on Kazumi, but the front desk wouldn't let him up. So he called 911 and they were ready to break down her apartment door when Kazumi walked into the building. She was fine, but EMS were already there and since she had expressed suicidal intent, they brought her to Elmhurst Hospital where she stayed overnight. I don't know if Paul went with her, but she called me from the ambulance twice and she had the EMT call me also. I didn't answer. That night and the following day, she called me from the hospital but I didn't answer. I knew that she had other people she could call for help this time - Alessia, Paul, her mom... She left messages explaining what had happened, not knowing that I had been in contact with Alessia all night. But it was better if she didn't know I was involved at all. So I ignored all her calls. I was a little worried because she was still calling me from the hospital on Monday morning, when she was supposed to be at work. That meant that she didn't go to work. I was worried that she would lose her job if she kept missing work over this. But that night, she actually called me from her work number. I didn't answer, but I knew it was the lord and taylor number because I googled it. I felt better because I knew that she was thinking about her job and career. She had worked so hard to build her career, that I would have hated to see it ruined at this point. She called and e-mailed me a few times during the next few days, but I didn't answer. Then eventually she stopped. She hasn't called, emailed, texted or stalked me in the past week. I think she is finally getting on with her life and I am glad she is.

It's been a hell of a few weeks. To recap, I broke up with Kazumi in September. That phone call from Kazumi, led to a meeting, then couples counseling and then getting back together for a short period of time. We both really tried to make it work. I tried to be more supportive of her, I tried to be more sensitive about her abandonment issues which started with her losing her father at a young age, and she tried to work with me on my trust issues and the fact that I can't handle much emotional instability in my life. We both tried really hard, and that is what our counselor kept emphasizing to us. She was always so impressed that we were going to couples therapy even though we weren't married, and that we were showing that we cared for each other. I really do believe that we tried everything to make our relationship work - both of us - but it just didn't work. I have always been quick to abandon people, and whenever Kazumi acted out, I would leave her. Well, this time she held it in (mostly) and I didn't abandon her (till the end). Whenever we fought, I would say to her that I am not leaving her. She tried very hard not to fight. But in the end, it just caused resentment to build between us. I felt that she was avoiding me and unhappy with me. She kept denying it. She kept saying that she was just busy with work, and stressed out about her roommate, her health and other issues. Finally, one day in November, she let out her anger at me and told me that she hated me. She hated me because she felt that I was forcing her to hold in her emotions, she hated me because she thought I was trying to control her, she hated me because I never listened to her, she hated me because I always criticized her. I didn't think most of that was true, but I believed that she really felt that way. What bothered me the most is that she was very clear that she hated me ever since we got back together. It wasn't that she hated me at that moment. But she hated me for the last several months. And she admitted that was why she was avoiding me. She said that she didn't want to spend time with me because she hated me. It really hurt my feelings to hear that especially since I felt that I had been trying hard to make our relationship work through couples therapy, being supportive, listening, not criticizing her by giving her strongly worded advice, etc., but all that effort just had the effect of making her hate me even more. Prior to this break-up we had bought tickets for a vacation to iceland and I also agreed to pick her up from the gastroenterologist after an endoscopy exam to rule out a gastric ulcer. I told her that I probably wasn't going to go to Iceland, but that I would pick her up from the gastroenterologist if she really had no one else to pick her up. I actually ended up meeting her there before the endoscopy and after the endoscopy, Kazumi began crying uncontrollably in the doctor's office. I spent about an hour with her, while she slept it off and she seemed to be much better afterwards. I took her home, we ate dinner together and then I said that she couldn't stay with me that night because we were broken up. She refused to leave me alone and insisted that she come into my apartment with me. I let her in and we talked and then argued for hours. Eventually, I asked her to leave my apartment and she refused to leave. I threatened to call security to escort her out but she wouldn't leave. Finally, I just had to put her stuff outside the door. At first, she wouldn't get it, but when I closed the door she started to get worried that someone would take her stuff so she went outside to retrieve it. Then I tried to close the door on her, but she pushed back and wedged herself in the doorway. I had to physically push her out. It was the most physical I have ever had to get with anybody. She finally left and then she texted me later that night that she went out with friends until 4 AM and had the best time she had had in months. I was really glad that she was moving on. I didn't hear from her until several days later when I got a phone call from the Bellevue ER. A nurse was calling me because Kazumi was in the ER and she wanted me to pick her up. It was in the middle of the workday, but I told my supervisor what was going on and that I was leaving early to go to Bellevue. At Bellevue, Kazumi was lying in a hospital bed with a sad look on her face. She said that she had gone to work that morning and felt strange, maybe having a panic attack, and then took a cab to the Bellevue ER. I didn't learn until later that she also had taken some pills that she shouldn't have taken and that she thought she was having some kind of reaction. I stayed with her at the ER and tried to call her psychiatrist for her, but couldn't reach him. Kazumi was in the medical ER when I arrived, and after about a half hour they told her that she was medically cleared to leave, but that she should go to the Psych ER down the hall. So I walked with her over to the Psych ER at Bellevue which is a scary place. She spoke with a psychiatrist in the triage room while I waited outside and when she came out, she seemed much calmer. We walked out, had Japanese food in midtown, and then took the subway back home. She didn't want to be alone so I said she could stay with me for 1 night only. She stayed over and the next day I had to go to work. I spoke with her the next day and explained that our relationship was over and that she should probably try to find support with her friends. She seemed to understand and accept it. This was not a few days before Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving morning, I told her that I was going home for Thanksgiving, and asked if she had anywhere to go. She said that she had no where to go. I felt sorry for her and actually cooked a mini Thanksgiving dinner for us to have together on Thanksgiving before I had to go home. I texted her a photo and invited her over, but she didn't reply. She was with her friend Dave and his girlfriend at the time, so she wasn't alone. I didn't hear from her until the next weekend, when she called me on the phone asking whether I would still go to Iceland. I said that I was not going with her. If I did go, we would have to go separately somehow. I didn't hear from her for another week. Then she called me from the airport. She was frantic and mad at me for not showing up. She told the front gate that I was going to show up and when I didn't she panicked and wanted to get off the plane. I could hear the commotion in the background as the flight attendants were trying to figure out whether to unload her baggage, wait for me, or what. Eventually they made her get off the plane. I couldn't understand why she was so sure I was going to be at the airport. I later learned that she had planned to go by herself and then changed her mind when she got there. Anyway, after she got off the plane, she took a cab to LIC. I wouldn't see her. She started screaming at the top of her lungs in the stairwell for about 10 minutes. I couldn't believe no one even came out to check on her. She said she was having a panic attack and was going to die unless I came out to see her. She threatened to jump in the river. I finally came out to see her and let her into my apartment. She was delusional and kept saying that we were still going to Iceland and that we hadn't broken up. She started to pack my bags for me. This went on for hours and hours until 4 AM. Eventually I said that she had to leave and that I would call security if she didn't. This time I wasn't going to physically push her out. I went to the front desk and asked if someone could escort her out since she doesn't live in the building. The front desk said that they didn't have enough people, but if I waited a few hours until 7 there would be someone to escort her out. I came back to the apartment and told her that someone was coming at 7 AM to escort her out, or she could leave now. Then she became really despondent all of a sudden and said that if I wanted her to leave she would just "off" herself. It was such a strange word for her to use, because she doesn't normally use slang like that. Then she ran to my window and started opening it as though she was going to try to jump out. She finally calmed down and I told her that I was extremely worried because she said she was going to off herself and asked her if she wanted me to call 911. Surprisingly she said yes. I asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital and she said yes. It was a very dramatic moment. She had suddenly calmed down and was really asking for help. I called 911 and told them what happened and they sent a police car and an ambulance to my apartment. They took her to the Cornell Psychiatric ER, where they evaluated her and kept her overnight. I stayed with her until about 9AM. I wasn't sure it was a good idea for me to be her support, since she was suicidal over our break-up. The psychiatrist at Cornell told me that I had to find a balance between making her take responsibility for her own life and not abandoning her. So at 9AM I said that I had to go home, but that I would come back if the doctor's wanted me to. She was inside the protected area at this time and she started shaking and screaming out my name through the window. I was heartbroken. The nurse told me to just leave. So I did. As soon as I turned around I started crying, but I kept walking. The nurse was telling me that they would call me later, but I just kept walking because I didn't want her or Kazumi to see me crying. I couldn't stop. I cried all the way home, on the subway, in public. I got home and wrote Alessia an email because she was Kazumi's best friend and I knew she would be there for her. I didn't want Kazumi to be alone in the ER. Alessia called me back 2 seconds after I sent her the e-mail and I told her the story. She could tell I was upset. Alessia said she would call the ER and visit Kazumi and make sure she is ok. She did go there and brought her food and books to read. I felt much better that she had someone to rely on. I knew I had to stay away from Kazumi if she was to get better, but I didn't want to abandon her either. The next day, I texted Alessia to see if Kazumi had gotten out of the hospital. She said that Kazumi was ok and that I should not contact her. I agreed. The next day I brought my car to the dealership (I had actually gotten into a car accident on the morning of the day that I brought Kazumi to the Cornell ER, but that was the least important thing to happen that weekend), and on the way home, Kazumi started calling me continuously again, hundreds of times, filling my voicemail with hateful messages. I ignored all of them. Then she actually called me from a public phone, so I didn't know it was her, and answered the phone. I thought it might be my insurance company calling about the accident. I spoke with her and she was surprisingly calm. She was not mad at all. She said she wanted to meet me, but I said no. She said that she was waiting for me in front of my building. I walked home thinking about how I could get into my apartment without seeing her, but just as I was walking down my building's block, I saw her walking out. I didn't think she saw me so I ran back and hid behind a truck. I didn't know which way she was going to walk. I peeked out to check and she saw me. She ran up to me and hugged me. She was surprisingly calm. She said that she was staying with her friend Paul, whom we had fought about in the past because of my jealousy, but now I was totally ok with it. As long as she had someone to support her, that was the most important thing. We went to dinner at TukTuk and actually had a very pleasant conversation, even joking at times. At the end of the dinner, she said she had to go home to pick up some stuff and then she was going back to Paul's place. We hugged and she actually left. She didn't resist, hang on to me, act out or anything, like she usually does when we separate. She did whisper in my ear that she loved me, but I pretended I didn't hear. I just walked away. The next day, Kazumi started calling me continuously again. She even went to my workplace and waited outside for me. Then when she realized that I was already home, she came to my apartment building and waited outside for me. She begged me to meet her. Since she seemed to be doing better and that we had parted the day before on good terms and without difficulty, I agreed to meet her if she made plans to stay somehwere for the night. I was a little worried because she said she had taken her luggage from Paul's place and she said that all of her friends had abandoned her. I know that Kazumi is difficult to deal with and that she is not always grateful for the help that she gets from friends so she may have pushed away her support network. I was pretty sure that Alessia would support her though, so I said that I would meet with her only if she called Alessia and made plans to stay with her that night. If she couldn't stay with Alessia, then she should call Paul or someone else to make plans. I wouldn't meet with her if she didn't have somewhere to go at the end of the night. She said she would call Alessia and call me back. So we hung up and a few minutes later she called back and said that she spoke with Alessia and would stay there. I met her and we walked around Astoria for hours. She seemed to be doing very good again. She showed me the buildings she used to live in around Astoria and told me stories about her ex-husband that I hadn't heard before. The entire time, she understood that we were broken up. We went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner, but then towards the end, she started to have a panic attack. She started to shake and started asking me why we couldn't be together. Then she wanted to walk around, so she practically bolted from the store. I didn't want to leave her alone because I didn't know what she would do so I followed her around. She was walking really fast, but at times she would stop and laugh or smile. It was strange. Then I asked her what time she was going to go to Alessia's place and she said that she actually never spoke with Alessia. I was a little mad and said that I would text Alessia for her then. I texted Alessia and asked if Kazumi could stay with her. Alessia texted back that Kazumi could stay with her, but that she wasn't home yet. I texted back to say thanks and that we would go back to LIC so Kazumi could get the medications that she forgot. So we walked back to LIC and just as we got to her building Alessia called. At first, Kazumi wouldn't talk to her, but then she finally agreed. Alessia was going to come to LIC and take Kazumi back home with her. I went with Kazumi back to her apartment and she picked up her meds, toothbrush and teddy tiger. We went to the park and she took half a clonazepam and seemed to calm down immediately. We went back inside the building because it was cold and then came out to meet Alessia. As soon as Alessia got to us, she put headphones on Kazumi's head and I explained what was going on. Alessia said that she was going to help Kazumi get over me no matter what and not allow her to contact me. I promised that I wouldn't contact her again. If I did, I said Alessia could hit me in the head. Kazumi started to freak out a little bit and I agreed to walk them to the corner. At the corner, I started to walk away toward me building and Kazumi freaked out again. She started screaming out my name. Alessia held her tightly and told me to just go. I walked away from her again, just like in the ER, while she screamed my name, but this time it was easier, because I knew Kazumi was with a good friend and she wasn't going to be alone and afraid. That was the last time I will ever see her. It is sad, but it is the only way she can get healthy and stay healthy. It really worried me how hurt she was this time when we broke up and there is no way in hell that I would put her or myself or her friends through that again. We tried multiple times to make it work, and it didn't. We even went to couples therapy. The entire time I was never able to say that I loved her. Kazumi said she loved me many many times, but I was never able to say it back, because that is how I am - a distant, lonely, sad, depressed, sick bastard. Kazumi deserves so much better than me.

I've started dating again. It's a little daunting looking at the long road ahead of me, but I definitely think it is for the better. I've met two people so far and I see potential in both, though this time I'm definitely going to be more careful about jumping into a relationship before I know somebody. The first girl was a Korean girl, a pastry chef at Mercer Kitchen, who was cute and we seemed to get along well. We went to Studio Square in Astoria, which wasn't that crowded when we first got there, so we were able to get seats, have beer and actually talk a little bit. We probably spent about 2 hours there just sitting and talking and learning about each other. I drove her home and we tentatively made plans to go out for dimsum sometime. My second date was last night. She was also from Astoria and we met at the Greek bakery Omonia for dessert and tea. She's vegetarian. She was also cute and very friendly. Maybe because she is a journalist, but somehow she was able to get me to talk alot. Usually I don't talk much on first dates. We seemed to get along really well. We actually had a great conversation about ideas, politics, religion and economics, and basically all of the kinds of conversations that I had not been having with Kazumi. After the date I actually felt inspired for the first time in a long time. If I were in a relationship with someone who actually enjoys discussing and debating ideas, I think I would be a lot more happy, and less inclined to become bored. When I become bored, I tend to focus on practical matters like shopping, work, personal finances, etc., but when I am inspired, many of those practical matters seem trivial and anything seems possible. Then I start reading (which I have been doing a lot of lately) and thinking about writing (which I have yet to do, but may do soon). I think the only time I ever had that feeling while I was with Kazumi was when I was considering taking the job in Singapore. At first she was supportive and we talked about starting a new life together abroad, which would have been exciting, but later she became disinterested and then outright dismissive whenever I considered going to Singapore. Whatever. It was probably too early in my career to move anyway, but I definitely want to be a relationship with someone like me who is interested in living in different parts of the world and just learning about the world.

Well, what made me consider these things in a little more depth today is that fact that Kazumi called me and left a voice mail while I was at work. We haven't talked in about a month. The last I heard from her was an e-mail saying that she had finally accepted our breakup and that she was ready to move on, and she asked that I not contact her anymore. So I didn't. Well she called me today and I have no idea why. She left a voice mail and just asked me to call her back when I get the message, but I don't like making personal calls from work so I decided that I would wait until I got home. Then I remembered that she has a blog that she keeps so I thought I could check that out to see if there is any clue why she called me today. There wasn't any indication of why she was calling. Her latest entries were just random posts with song lyrics that don't seem to apply to anything relating to me. Then I scrolled through one of her old posts and found that she has been totally ripping me apart and saying really mean things about me publicly on her blog, stuff that is very personal. She distorted stories into her own perverse fantasies. She was basically being her usual self that I couldn't stand when I broke up with her, throwing a temper tantrum and becoming extremely angry and lashing out at me. I guess that is how she gets over relationships and deals with stress. She has to put down other people to protect her own ego. She did the same thing to her ex-boyfriend prior to meeting me, and she probably did that to her ex-husband after her divorce. And it is also a big reason why I had to end our relationship. I just couldn't deal with her anger anymore. It's childish and even understandable, but I just didn't have the fortitude to tolerate it. Maybe someone else would. Probably someone who has a similary tempermentality, but that is definitely not me. I hope she finds someone else soon. She did say in her blog that she was snuggling with someone, though I don't know or care who. Anyway, the point is I don't think I'm going to call her back after reading the mean things she has been saying about me on her blog.

Nice memories of things I did with Kazumi
1. Going to City Island/Bronx Zoo on date, eating fried oysters in empty seaside restaurant
2. Going to Mitsuwa in Edgewater, buying omakase before New Year's and eating together on New Year's Day morning
3. Shopping for camping stuff in Sports Authority, then setting it up inside apartment, Lumi scratched hole in tent
4. Driving up to Harriman State Park at night and Kazumi getting scared because road was dark and winding
5. Getting sick in Mexico on Kazumi's birthday and she had to go to restaurant by herself but she took care of me anyway
6. Taking pictures with funny faces at home with Mac photobooth
7. Hiking up Cadillac mountain in Acadia and having hot tea at top
8. Hiking in rain along Poplopen Gorge near West Point, getting lost, going in a circle and then finding way back, didn't freak out, was proud of her for sticking through rain
9. Grilling in Staten Island park in muddy park and it started to rain, helped to pack up stuff quickly
10. Going to midtown library and then waiting for Kazumi at Lord and Taylor, texting back and forth
11. Meeting in K-town and having oxtail soup, driving home together after work
12. Meeting in Chinatown for dimsum, walking around, having ice cream
13. Meeting in East Village and having tebasaki chicken
14. Hiking along Hudson River, getting lost around abandoned mansion, finding way back
15. Going to Mexican town in van after escaping from Cancun resort for a day
16. First night of camping in Salisbury park, holding down tent during rainstorm while Kazumi slept
17. Last day of vacation in Quincy, finding hiking trail in park, eating at IHOP, sad to be going home next day.
18. Going to Philadelphia, nice hotel, eating dimsum in Chinatown, visiting historical sites and museum
19. Playing literati online with Kazumi, teaching her how to play checkers, talked about playing chess but never did it
20. Driving to Long Beach at night, walking along beach, talking about her father, eating dinner at BBQ restaurant
21. Cooking and eating together at home and then watching interesting DVD at home or getting gelato for dessert
22. Taking Lumi outside into hallway and hearing her growl
23. Taking Lumi to outdoor terrace and seeing her walk around close to the ground and hiding in shadows
24. Going to Benihana, seeing onion volcano in person
25. Watching Office, Flight of the Conchords, and Arrested Development together.

Bad memories
1. Fighting, breaking up, not leaving me alone, arguing in circles, not willing to let go
2. Grabbing steering wheel of car while I was driving
3. Becomes childish, unreasonable and loud when she doesn't get what she wants immediately
4. Screaming at top of her lungs about asparagus and pork while in Acadia, saying its all my fault, everyone around us heard
5. Insisting that I drive all the way to Montauk, then gets mad when I want to stop by Suffolk to check out perdiem location
6. Doesn't like to spend time in sun which makes it hard to do things like go to beach, outdoor concerts, etc.
7. Comes over on weekend when we had planned to go away, sleeps all day, plays tetris, eats my food and then sleeps
8. Leaves dirty clothing, cups and dishware around my apartment.
9. Doesn't help to clean up even though she spends more time here than at home.
10. Was not supportive after LSAT cancellation, called me a loser and only wanted to know if I was going to take it again
11. Was not supportive when I was deciding about Singapore job
12. Called me boring, loser, asshole, and said she was glad to be breaking up, then thought she could just take it back
13. Lied to me about going to see Joyce when she really was going to see Scott
14. Can't trust her anymore, not sure what else she hasn't told me. Probably has lame excuse ready in her head if I find out.
15. Always complains about her co-workers and friends
16. Hated helping out with wedding because she didn't like getting emails even though she didn't have to do much except read
17. Sometimes got mad at Lumi when she was really mad at me
18. Often got mad at me when she was really mad at someone else (coworker, friends, Bloomingdale's, dentist, etc.)
19. Gets mad a lot for no reason, and then won't let it go until it turns into a full-blown fight
20. Becomes really arrogant and selfish while arguing saying things like "Ex-boyfriends ALWAYS come back to me."
21. Not realistic about life and relationships
22. Spends too much time reading about celebrity gossip and shopping on-line
23. Very defensive about taking advice and criticism
24. Doesn't appreciate or even realize that I tried very hard to make her happy, even though I realized that wasn't enough.
25. Said very mean things whenever we fought, much meaner than anything I would say, and specifically intended to hurt my feelings based on what she believed would hurt me the most.

It was a long time coming, but it finally came and passed...hopefully. I am definitely sad and probably depressed about it, but the last 3 months with her have just been unbearable. The last post, when I said I just could not trust her anymore, involved a big fight when she had said she was going to meet with one of her girlfriends but instead met with one of her guy friends. She insisted that she was just meeting a guy friend and there was nothing to be worried about, but then why would it be necessary to lie about it? It took a long argument just to get her to admit that she had lied about it. Anyway, that episode made it apparent that she was capable of not only lying to me, but also to herself about what was plainly obvious. Normally, that would have been the end of it, but of course it wasn't. She refused to let me go, and I let her stay attached, though I was at this point less attached and quite willing if not wishing to be let go. That was also the last time I was jealous. Because you can't be jealous if you don't really care.

Over the next several months I grew apart from her. We appeared to still be a couple. We went out to dinner. We met with friends. We spent a lot of time together. We went on vacation together to Maine. She even moved her stuff into my apartment. But in my mind, we were never really the same after I realized that she could lie to me so easily. Of course we still fought. We actually fought more than usual. The last couple of fights I recall involve arguments about whether I believed that the Powerhouse building used to be tennis courts, that I didn't support her when she wanted to sue her dentist over a temporary filling that fell out, and that she was abandoning her best friend's wedding because of her own selfishness.

The final fight involved her screaming at me in the car because I wouldn't help her attach her ipod to my car radio while I we were driving to Williamsburg. When she started screaming, I could tell the evening was going to be unpleasant, so I decided I didn't want to go anymore. She became childish as she often does when she doesn't get what she wants and insisted that we still go. I said that she could go on her own, but I wasn't going to to. I was going home and that was it. As I was making the turn to return to my building, she actually grabbed the steering wheel and turned the car in the opposite direction. We almost crashed into a parked car. I hit the brake and let go of the clutch to force the car into a stall. Fortunately we didn't hit any pedestrians but there were plenty around, and now they were staring at us. I couldn't believe that she could be so irresponsible. I told her to get out of the car. She refused. I lost my temper and yelled at her, " Are you fucking crazy?!? Don't ever touch the steering wheel while I'm driving!" She tried to defend herself by saying that if I had only helped her attach her ipod she wouldn't have gotten so mad. I told her that was a stupid argument and let her think about it. It was the first time I had ever lost my temper with her and cursed, so I think she got the message that she had crossed the line. She sat and sulked in her seat while I drove home. Then she started crying and apologizing. I told her that was the last straw. I had had enough and wanted to be alone, but she refused to leave. She grabbed onto my bag and wouldn't let go. I ran into my building to get rid of her, but she wouldn't leave. I ran to my apartment door and tried to get inside before she could reach me, but she jammed her foot in the door and forced her way in. So I just dumped my stuff in the apartment and went downstairs to cool off. I spent about 15 minutes downstairs and came back to my apartment. She was sitting on the bed. I gave her a cold stare and told her in a stone voice "Get out of my apartment or I'm calling the police." She refused. I repeated it with a stronger voice, and she still refused. She said that she would leave only if I promised to talk to her on the phone that night. I said I would talk to her on the phone after she left. She did leave and called me later that night and I basically told her that it is over between us, that in my opinion she should seek professional help for her sudden bouts of anger, and that I would be here for her as a friend, but not as a boyfriend. She seemed to understand. But later that night, after I have gone to sleep, I wake up and notice a series of ranting text message and voice mails. It's her. "I'm going to Williamsburg anyway to meet my friends who I am sooooooo looking forward to seeing. You are a boring loser. I was bored because you are a boring loser. And an asshole. Bye asshole. You can leave my stuff with the doorman. I don't ever want to see you again." Ok, it's over. I'm sorry it had to end on that note, but at least it's over and we can both move on from this unhealthy relationship. I didn't hear from her the next few days.

Then she started calling me 100 times a day and leaving messages filling up my voicemail. She would say things like "Ignoring me isn't helping." She would come to my door and bang on it so hard with her cellphone that the entire floor could hear. She would sit outside my door for hours at a time while pushing handwritten notes under my door. It was frightening. I had a psychotic stalker on my hands. If I ran into her in the hallway, she would refuse to leave. She would try to push her way into my apartment and physically hang onto me until I pushed her away and ran. It was awful. It was apparent she was hurting and it was painful for me to see and to have to push her away but it wasn't healthy and I couldn't help her. One of the most painful moments was when I handed her the bag of her toiletries from my bathroom cabinet that she said I should leave with her doorman. She took the stuff out of the bag and placed it right back in the cabinet. I put the stuff back in the bag. She started crying and put the stuff back in the cabinet. I didn't have the heart to put them back in the bag, so I left them there. They are still there, along with her toothbrush. I even let her stay over when she refused to leave because I just couldn't bear to push her away and see her cry anymore. I didn't push her out of my apartment, but I made it clear that I wanted her to leave. She finally got the message and left, but not before extracting a promise from me that I would meet with her again at a later time. To her credit, she also did seek professional help and she started taking medication that calmed her down. I agreed to meet with her one last time. We had a long conversation and she seemed to understand that our relationship was over, but she would still say things as though everything were normal like, "Ok so can we go camping this weekend?". It was a slow process but I convinced her that we should spend time apart. She couldn't deal with an indefinite time apart, so I had to promise that I would contact her in 6 days. It's been 5 days so far. I hope by the 6th day, she will realize that it is time to move on. That life is too short to waste on failed relationships. That we are too incompatible for each other, but that she will find someone that is perfect for her eventually, but it takes time and patience.

Sorry Kazumi but I just can't trust you anymore.

The beginning was nothing special. I searched my own zip code on match.com and came up with a handful of results. I scanned the photos as I usually do, and my eyes stopped on a photo of a pale, almost ghostly white, asian girl sitting on a cushion in a clothing store with her legs crossed, dangling in the air. Her head was tilted to the side and she wore a coquettish smile. It was an intriguing photo, but not necessarily one I was immediately attracted to. I read the first line: “I am unique.” Hmm, that reveals a little without saying much. But there’s also a tinge of self-importance that is unusual for an Asian girl. Her profile continued in slightly broken English. She was Japanese and had come to the US for college. She was a fashion designer. She was divorced. Then there was something peculiar: “I am ant with grasshopper mentality.” I had no idea what that meant, but it cracked me up. It was clear she had something specific in mind but I hadn’t the foggiest notion what. So I sent her an e-mail asking her what she meant. I also introduced myself and bragged that I had spent some time in Japan. It took her a few days to reply, and I don’t think there was any reference to grasshoppers or ants. Somehow, we got to e-mailing each other formal and boring messages and finally arranged to meet for dinner. She sent me a list of local restaurants and I chose one.

I showed up about 10 minutes early, feeling nervous and not the slightest bit hungry. It was a chilly October night, and I remember waiting outside the little French bistro, Tournesol, trying to stay warm and not look too lonely while I waited. Waiting alone in public is my least favorite thing to do. I walked back and forth as though I was going somewhere so as not be conspicuous. Just as I was about ready to walk away, a little Japanese business woman walked up to me and shook my hand. Nice to meet you, I’m Kazumi. I introduced myself and we went in and ordered wine and food. She was much cuter than her photo. But there were no instantaneous sparks. Our first date was more like a job interview. I had a pork chop and I don’t recall what she had. I learned that she dated mostly musicians and artists. I talked about my job. We couldn’t be more different. But isn’t that what I wanted? Different but same, same but different. I walked her the 2 blocks to her home. I said that I was glad to have met someone in the same neighborhood and that I would like to see her again. She agreed. We exchanged phone numbers and hugged. I walked the 1 block to my home.

A few days later, I emailed her about going out on a second date, maybe taking a day trip somewhere. I don’t think she replied. A few nights later, I received a text message on my phone. “I’m in Gantry State Park.” It was about 9PM on a cold night so I thought that was a bit odd. Also, I wasn’t sure whether there was an invitation. I waited a few minutes and then texted her back, “Are you cold?” She said she had gone home already. I asked if she was ok. No reply. Then I called her on the phone. She sounded hurt. I asked her if she was ok. She asked if she could come over for a hug. I said, “Right now? Are you serious?”. She didn’t say anything. She was serious. I said, “Ok, you can come over.”. She came over. We hugged in the doorway. I made tea and she sat down at one end of my uncomfortable couch. I sat on the other end. I don’t remember what we talked about, but eventually we moved to the center of the couch and she curled up in my lap. And I hugged her until she felt better. I felt a little embarrassed but also sorry for her. I told her she could come back anytime for a hug. She left.

A few days later, she came back over for some more tea. This time we just talked. She told me what was bothering her. She had just broken up with her boyfriend. I thought she would say she had been with him for years. But she said she was with him for only 2 months. But since breaking up she hasn’t been able to sleep. I talked her through it the best I could. She said she was having panic attacks. She worried me when she said she had been taking Tylenol PM along with Ambien to help her sleep. I revealed a little about myself along the way. My talking didn’t seem to help much. But the tea seemed to calm her. And she liked playing with my kitten.

A few days later, I invited her on a day trip. I took her to City Island, getting lost on the way there. We parked on the street and walked to the water’s edge, but there was a concrete wall and a fence with a “Private Property” sign. I panicked a little bit because I didn’t know what else we would do. We walked a little further and found a wooden bench near a pier, where we sat and talked for a few minutes until it became too windy. We walked back to the car and I took her to a little seafood shack at the end of the island where my parents had taken me when I was a kid. When I had gone there as a kid, it was packed with people, seagulls and sunshine. This time it was empty, but there were a few seagulls outside. It was cloudy outside, but it felt right. We ordered a plate of fried oysters with french fries. At this point, I started to panic a little again. Now what? Did we really come all the way to City Island to have fried oysters? I asked her if she would like to go to the Bronx Zoo. Surprisingly she said yes, so off we went. When we got there she laughed and said, “Who goes to the zoo on a second date?” I hadn’t been to the zoo since I was child. There were very few people there. And it started to rain a little. We walked and talked. I took a photo of her with a tiger, and then a polar bear in the background. We saw playful sea otters and smelly monkeys. Then it was time to go home, except we were lost. We checked a map and walked a half-mile through a parking lot back to the car. We drove home. It was a somber date, but it felt about right to me.

A few days later, while I was studying for the LSAT, she texted me. “I want to go to the beach.”. I said ok. It was about 8PM. She met me at home. We walked to the car. She said it feels like we’re in “L.A.” I totally agreed. We drove down the BQE to Bayridge, then past Coney Island on the Shore Parkway then to Rockaway Beach and then Long Beach. We parked the car and walked along the boardwalk. We were the only people there. We sat on a wooden bench and talked. She told me about her father. We went down to the sand and up to the ocean. She screamed because she thought she saw a jellyfish, but it was just foam. As we were walking back she asked me, “Do you smoke pot?”. I said, “No, I’m a prude.” We had dinner at a surprisingly crowded and rowdy BBQ place on Long Beach and then drove home.

Soon after we slept together. I said she could just sleep over and we wouldn’t have sex, but we did, or at least we tried. She was my second sexual partner ever. I was nervous and not very good. She seemed to understand, but then she became frustrated. I became frustrated. It was embarrassing for me and difficult for her. But she said she would stay with me. We fought about it. I felt that she was comparing me to her previous boyfriend and I wasn’t measuring up. She also seemed to still be attached somewhere else because she would get extremely angry for no apparent reason. I gave up. She apologized. We had sex. I was distracted and watching TV while I was in her. She got mad. I apologized. I took the LSAT and cancelled. I was mad. We fought. She apologized. I felt bad. I apologized. She stayed over. I snored. She woke me up. I got annoyed and couldn’t sleep. We fought again. I said she should go home. She got mad and yelled at my cat. I got mad. She apologized.

When we weren’t fighting we were eating. I gained 10 pounds in 3 months. I made steamed Chinese buns for her at home and she was happy. We made plans to go to a steakhouse, but ended up buying steaks at the supermarket and cooking them at home. They were very rare, but she said she didn’t mind. We went to Duane Reade and bought instant ramen and she was happy. She made pork-belly stew for me and I was happy. She made chicken soup for me when I was sick and I felt better. We went to Koreatown and had oxtail soup. We went to the Lower East Side and had cupcakes. We went to Chinatown and had dimsum. I took her to Applebee’s because that’s what I thought she liked, but actually she didn’t want to go there. We watched a movie, “Waltz with Bashir” and hung out at Whole Foods for hours like a couple of high school kids. We had zuruzuru sushi. She went to the bathroom and ran out embarrassed because she had accidentally walked into an occupied stall. We went to Sunset Park and had Vietnamese soup. We went to Ikea and had meatballs. We went to Flushing and had Taiwanese crullers with warm soy milk, and dumplings. She made fun of me because I ordered so many dumplings. We went to Nolita and had tacos. We went to Mitsuwa in New Jersey and had ramen. She bought Osechi for New Years. I dragged her to Woodbury so I could buy ski clothing, but ended up buying wine glasses instead. We went to a super Walmart where I bought cheddar cheese, white bread, and condoms. I ate a cheese sandwich with white bread on the way home because I was starving.

Without realizing it we stopped fighting at some point. The sex got better. I loved the feeling of her body around mine. I loved that she said, “Let’s have slow sex.” I loved that she was so sensitive in certain places. One time, I said “Oh my God!” when I came without even realizing it and she thought it was cute. She asked me to cut her gray hairs. I did. She asked me to cut some more. I did. We saved the gray hairs in an envelope. It was endearing. Then on New Year’s Eve, we had another fight. I don’t know what happened. She seemed distracted. We fought about something stupid. It was really stupid and I didn’t understand what she was mad about. I was stubborn. I was also tired. She seemed like she wanted to go out. I told her she could go out, but I was staying home. She checked her phone and said she was going out. She came back a few hours later and said she didn’t go out. We slept together. In the morning, she fed me Osechi. I was mad, but I didn’t want to ruin her New Year’s Day, so I tried my best not to fight. We didn’t fight, but I became distant.

I became more distant over the next few days. I guess I got scared when things were going well and then we fought on New Year’s Eve. It hurts more to fight after things are going well. When we were always fighting, it didn’t bother me much because I assumed it would just end anyway. But when things were going well and then we fought, it bothered me, because it felt like I was losing something. Each time we fought I lost a little bit of commitment to the relationship, but the last time we fought on New Years, I lost a lot of commitment. I said I wanted to meet other people. I said I wanted to take a break from the relationship. She said she didn’t want to do that. I felt bad, but I also felt distant. I said I was going to go on a date soon, and then another one after that. She couldn’t stop me. We were really breaking up. But we had already broken up so many times in my mind. Each time we fought, I broke up with her a little bit, but I don’t think she understood that was happening. But this time, she understood.

I think I made a mistake. I’ve been making a lot of mistakes lately, but I guess we have to live with them and move on.