Overall another uneventful day, although I did feel much better when I woke up this morning. I guess the neurochemical theory of depression really holds true. Thank god, my mind is able to reset after a good night's sleep. I woke up again around noon, but stayed in bed because it was so comfortable to be under my down comforter with the wind blowing through my open window. I was half-awake, half-dreaming for what seemed like hours and I was sure when I actually decided to get out of bed it would be 2 or 3 o'clock in the afternoon, but actually it was only 12:15. Somehow I had managed to have multiple dreams in the space of 15 minutes, strange, but interesting. And inspiring too because it just goes to show how relative our experience of time actually is. In the space of minutes I could live hours worth of experiences, so why not days and lifetimes? So for breakfast I had the left overs of spaghetti from yesterday which still tasted good but again I felt bloated for several hours afterwards and wished I hadn't eaten it. I watched a bit of news to see what is going on with the war. Some kind of terrorist camp was taken over by the coalition troops and they discovered what is believed to be the chemical laboratory that produced the ricin found in London some weeks back. That is good news and something I can believe. I am skeptical of generals telling me about #'s of sorties/day, #'s of cruise missiles launched, troop movements, air supremacy, blah blah blah, because what in the end does it really mean? Those kind of reports tell me nothing about what aims of the war are being achieved and whether any progress is being made. But the discovery of a chemical laboratory in Iraq with ricin residue that can be traced to ricin involved in a planned terrorist plot, now that's news, and that's pretty good justification in my mind for what the war has entailed so far. The question is whether this laboratory received any support from Saddam Hussein or whether it was somehow independently operated by terrorists. The news reports indicate that this was a "terrorist" camp and not an Iraqi factory, but why would a terrorist organization set up in Iraq of all places, if they didn't have at least tacit approval if not overt support from the regime. I hope the news focuses on this tonight. If I was a news editor, I would make this the lead story. Proving a terrorism link, moreso than weapons of mass destruction, human rights violations, etc, is what will shift the tide of international opinion in my mind. The whole weapons of mass destruction argument is so hypocritical and it is beyond my comprehension why no one in the Bush administration realizes this. Does it not seem outlandish that in order to prevent Saddam Hussein from developing weapons of mass destruction we are dropping 20 ton bombs on the heads of Baghdadians and then proudly emblazoning those images on international television? I read somewhere that our military is considering using bombs so huge they would have the explosive impact of a nuclear bomb. Anyway, as far as I know such bombs have not been used, but the combined impact of the explosive ordnances used so far probably far exceed the explosive impact of a single nuclear bomb so we really have to ask ourselves whether we are not shooting ourselves in the foot. If or when this war moves into Baghdad I just hope we will have more justification for the war. So far, there has been nothing, no weapons of mass destruction, only circumstantial evidence of chemcial or biological weapons, no clear evidence of massive human rights violations (mass graves and such), only silly reports of wire bed frames attached to car batteries. And no clear evidence of a terrorism link, except perhaps this ricin discovery. I think the rest of the world would be more sympathetic if we could demonstrate that such things existed. They don't care about #'s of sorties, #'s of surrendered soldiers, etc. The UN, rather than simply demanding an end to the war, should insist on finding evidence of weapons of mass destruction or human rights violations. There should be a thorough investigation of the coalition controlled areas before the war proceeds into Baghdad. Invite the UN inspectors back and let them have the lay of the land. Saddam Hussein is not going anywhere, let him roast for a while. And the military threat to surrounding nations is effectively neutralized so why push this war when there is no longer an immediate threat? If we find undeniable evidence of an active nuclear, chemical or biological weapons program, or massive human rights violations, then we would have justification for removing Saddam Hussein.

I've been feeling incredibly depressed all day and I don't know why. Maybe it was the way it started. I had purposely gone to sleep last night late so that I would wake up around noon when the mailman normally comes because I was looking forward to receiving the residency packet from Mayo which had been sent on Wednesday. I woke up around 12:30 and immediately checked my mailbox which was empty. Around 12:50 I heard the mailman downstairs tossing mail into the boxes so I went down after he left. There was still nothing in my mail box, so I'll have to wait until Monday at the least. What a disappointment, since I had been looking forward to settling this whole contract business before I have to leave for Europe. I was also looking forward to getting any more information about orientation, etc. So I trudged my tired ass back upstairs and thought about taking a shower. Instead I just put on my fleece and went food shopping. That was the highlight of my day. I bought some Italian bread, ground sirloin, milk, cookies, and mushrooms. It was a very focused shopping session and I was proud of myself for keeping it under 20$. The market was crowded and people were looking at me funny because I still had a bed head. I considered buying an ice cream cone from Carvel on my way home, but I decided to go straight home and make spaghetti instead. So I made the pasta and cooked up the ground sirloin with the portabello mushrooms I had just bought and half a white onion I had left over and then added some bottled spaghetti sauce. I also toasted slices of the italian bread on olive oil and a little butter on a griddle. And I "baked" a potato in the microwave for 12 minutes exactly. Everything was timed perfectly and I had a great lunch, but felt pretty bloated for the rest of the day because of it. I only ate half of what I made and put the rest in the fridge. As I was pondering what to do with the rest of my day, it started pouring loud rain, huge droplets were smashing against the blue tarp outside my window, whap, thwap, so that development allowed me to postpone my decision. Pollack, the movie, was showing on cable and had just started, so I watched the whole thing even though I had seen it before once and parts of it multiple times. Anyway, it was still moving, especially since I had just been to the Picasso-Matisse exhibit at the MOMA a few days ago. That was strike 2 for my depression because I started thinking about what exciting and wonderfully creative things I could be doing had I not decided to go to medical school almost on a whim some 6 years ago. Those 6 years have been a tremendous waste except for maybe the first year of medical school, and the year I worked as a paralegal before starting medical school. At this very moment I am seriously considering ways to derail my career from its predetermined path, but in medicine that is just so hard to do. After Pollack, came on Jerry Maguire on another channel, but again it was just starting so I had to watch it again. I was moved to tears multiple times which proves I am depressed. What really hit home about the movie was that it forced me to consider the chances I have taken in my life, and how few REAL chances I have actually taken, especially with regard to relationships. I've taken chances with my career and education, but I am incredibly conservative when it comes to initiating relationships, not just romantic relationships but even pure friendships. Why is that? Jerry Maguire realizes at some point in the movie that he will never fall in love until he devotes as much time and COURAGE to his relationships as he does to his work. I'm in the exact same situation. But Rene Zellweger responds by asking whether love should really be work?, which is also a good point. So this whole Jerry Maguire thing got me thinking about my relationship with Mina. 4 years since I last spoke to her and I'm still thinking about what I could have done differently. Was I too focused on academics at that time? I was getting the best grades I have ever gotten that first year of med school when I was set on becoming a surgeon and I think that is what first drew her to me. She was always impressed that I knew the esoteric answers and that drove me to study more. But at some point it probably went overboard and I might have made her feel inadequate because we were both taking the same exams. I probably should have spent more time just getting to know her and letting her get to know me outside of school. I wonder if she ever knew she was the reason I studied so much, and that after I stopped speaking to her, my grades started to drop. I guess I was afraid that if I wasn't exceptional in some way she would lose interest in me. Anyway, I'm not going to beat myself up for what I might have done wrong, because she also made mistakes which I don't think I've forgiven. I often think what I should say if I met her again, and I still think I would be indifferent. But still she was special and I haven't met anyone else like her since. So this whole Jerry Maguire instigated rumination started to really depress me and I tried to get my mind off it my continuing the long and stressful process of cleaning out my apartment for the big move. I shredded almost all of my old bank statements and records which I thought would be a catharctic experience. Instead I ended up thinking even more about my past as I read over my old credit card statements all the way back to 1998, which was when I started seeing Mina. This was all just too much so I went outside and took a walk down Third avenue to clear my mind, which helped a little. But when I got back, I started writing this journal entry which is getting me more depressed again, so I think I will end this here and go for another walk.